I feel

Last night was a disaster.I felt miserable wishy-washy needy-wanty , with no shoulder to cry on. I feel funny.Friendless alone , but comfortable not warm. i want to feel warm aand cuddly and coddled and coddling.
Instead I come out angry and bustling with frustration. Infuriated at the gall of it all?! questionmark everything. I want to be held, to play board games and cards in some cozy corner rubbing my eye and yawning lightly and I can't. I don't trust anyone.
There's no point if it isn't safe.
And I don't feel safe. I shouldn't. it isn't.
But I want to.
I want to trust and love and be loved 'without' being used or manipulated or objectified or sexed.That homely childood feeling of just being in that warm soft endearing place ...
To get warmth one must give warmth but warmth can be so easily misintepreted expecially since i'm a woman. Yes I said it , I know men complain about being misjudged when they're just trying to be friendly but they know they aren't. They point it out all the time too. If a girl falls for it she's gullible and naive and if she doesn't then she's shrewd and paranoid.Damned either way.and sometimes he yells at you about being narrowminded just to win your trust and when you consider 'his side' he pulls a fast one.Probably the only situation where the guilty party splats a grin on his face mouthing 'you were right'.and then there's guilt and speculation , why did you consider him? You 'knew' he would why did you let him? do you 'like' him?
Well if you know you don't then why?
"ego": he called you immature/narrowminded,
what did he do to play you?
What was it this time "fine, let's be friends instead, no hard feelings" were you stupid enough to fall for these things (time and again!)or was it that when women say these things they 'actually' mean 'em.
Women 'do' feel comfortable being just friends, women call you narrowminded if they really think you are (unless it's behind your back ,which is bitching literally, not really honest.Us women!)
Stereotypically guys want sex and women want to cuddle.
guys hate cuddling, women refrain from sex (unless they're Pamela anderson types?Men like fake big boobs).

Then again research has shown that 'both' men and women prefer sensuality to the actual act(mating ritual) or its derivitives , then why do men nose in?
I mean why can't two people just be. To have and to hold and to love and to cherish without fondling or perversion?

good old Plato *sigh*
platonic love.
'he' was a man, maybe he was just saying that to 'bag chicks'?
maybe I 'am' shrewd and prejudiced.
I don't know how I got here. I sound like I want a relationship, but really a cozy fire, a few quilts, thick frothy chocolate mousse and family huddled with me would do. Except that there's no one around.

P.S.
I really wanted to meet people last night. i got so upset, I hate it when mummy tries to dress me up. I got a little cranky then 'she' decided that I didn't want to go but I did want to go, which made me madder. I just wanted it to be fun and warm and funny and tremendous. I wish I could drive there then everything would be fine. Or not.

I got angry again
she's gone for a walk.
I feel awful.
It doesn't make me a better person.
or even a good one.