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Sunday, November 24, 2019

Sensible ramblings

I thought I blocked the original poster I was replying to for being a real creep
Bhujee was singled out, blamed, gaslighted and killed him self in a household full of violent abusive perverse delusional narcissistic sociopaths so I think he was the resident designated scapegoat but I could be wrong. He did criticise them and he did start to fight back. My rapist repeatedly diagnosed sociopath father was a Damien or golden child beyond reproach, coddled by an over protective mother because of his small pox scars(?)




When bhujee bit him in self defence, he tried to demonise him as if he had the entitled right to provoke bhujee and bhujee had no right to retaliate.

Which reminds me of my brother waterboarding me pushed into a ladder of that outdoor roof top Marriott swimming pool; dunking my head in the water shoving me against the metal ladder until I managed to finally fight off the creep and climb high enough so he wouldn’t be able to dunk my head in the water he kept trying though. I was the tallest and fairest of my siblings at the time; still a bit taller than him. And the asar azaan call to prayer resounded; he thought it was so funny bruising my body trying to kill me, to drown and beat me to death; had I not been slightly taller than him he could’ve succeeded. So I told the laughing devil I would pray for his death.
And being the forgiving Sagittarius fire sign self sacrificing martyr scorpio venus Pluto south node that I am, I did not pray for his death but for bad grades so my class mates would stop hating me every time a teacher or parent set me up as an example to follow. I prayed for an older best friend with long curly black hair because I had short to medium length straight brown bob cuts until then. I prayed that my brother go to Harvard ; improve academically athletically and looks wise (stop being such a skinny finger sucking wuss who stole my stuff and gave it to Rabeel; his favourite book was the thief of always; not shocking that my thief brother loved a book about a boy who stole everything)

But the entitled Damien golden child brat told my mother that I threatened to pray for his death and she being my mean jealous narcissistic mother who hated me for having better features whiter skin and other things that super sully made me innately better than not just her and her small poxed perverse psycho husband but my siblings too. Used that as an excuse to hiss at, beat, terrorise and damn me to hell as much as she could.

The Damien had every entitled right to hit me, to steal from me, to resent me for being smarter and better looking and I had no right to defend myself against him not even when he deliberately consciously tried to kill me. So I could not hit him or yell at him when he barged in through the bathroom door camera phone in hand pointed at my fuzzy butt; or when he watched me change my clothes; or when he gawked at my beginnings of “ Breasts and buttocks” in the communal shower mummy forced on us no I could only try to deflect from my immense discomfort my making jhaag with my pubic hair.

It’s not that my mother is purely insensitive but that she has always enjoyed treating “me” like a human piƱata; be it biting scratching shoving car keys in my face or her nails digging deep into my skin; or crashing the car dodge ‘em bumper cars style when/if I ever made the mistake of sitting in the passenger not the back seat. No the car crash on my first day of school when I was 4 and my incisor cracked against the dashboard glovebox was not an anomaly.
Bob Saget: You should goto sleep kiddo.
Nadia: I tried and I tried and I tried
BS: Shut this off goto sleep. Read something non digital. Blue light interfering with ur circadian rhythm. Good girl.
NS: There’s a lizard in my bathroom. Ur such a liar.
BS: “Yes I am a liar, I’m a professional liar, I’m very good at lying unlike you who has too many tells and blurts out the truth 5 seconds later. I have natal Gemini mercury and south node. I have pranked people for years without them getting a whiff of what I’m upto... Scorpio dominant stealth operative helps”
NS: “ Like when you convinced John he was dying from a terminal illness or std or something?”
BS: Exactly, now I could teach u to lie, & it is necessary that u learn ‘Cos sometimes lying is the only protection one has from predators and u r a vulnerable target...
NS: But?
BS: Goto sleep.

N: can’t I don’t know what their plans are for me
Lots of door slamming. I said 2 prayers though Fajr and Zohar though it isn’t time for Zohar yet.
I get why John Nash divorced Alicia without spousal rights I don’t think she could lord over him like before. The nurse was more humble. All LGBTQ experimenters John Nash, Turning , Bhujee, Virginia Woolf, Jack Kerouac, uh who else?
B: ur sisters
N: I guess; let’s not
Virginia jack John jack jack John John
Really liked their “special minds” and attributed their genius and high quality of their work to what got them electrocuted and medicated.

A Room of One's Own (1929) with its famous dictum, "a woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction". -https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/it-s-important-to-listen-to-imaginary-voices-just-ask-virginia-woolf-a7545096.html

But Virginia had to keel to her male spouse’s patriarchal bossiness and rebelliously killed herself one day whereas John got divorced and free of Alicia’s controls which as a woman, she could not really enforce anyway, over his health and life; they remarried when he found his footing. Both Virginia and John air signs, enjoyed the experience of hallucinations and were fed up with people “limiting” nay “curtailing” their genius and special superior creative intellect.
Both experienced auditory hallucinations but never saw anything that wasn’t there; traumatic childhood too.




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